I have depression, I have mental health issues – all that is easy for me to say, I’ve never had an issue with adding either two, I’ve tried to commit suicide multiple times and still to this day turn to self-harm as a coping method and I could talk about in the hopes of helping others all day long.
But then there’s the fact I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) sometimes known as emotional unstable personality disorder and while I would openly admit to any of the issues I have because of it, I find it had to say that I have BPD.
I fought for years to finally find out my own diagnosis and the moment I did I felt a moment of relief, I knew what I had to fight and I don’t ever regret finding out, but I find the stigma attached to saying you have BPD is huge – suddenly people think you might turn psycho on them.
Did you know that BPD is one of the most common personality disorders in the UK it can cause distressing and unusual behaviours patterns?
How it affects me.
One of the worst issues I face with it is the feelings of anxiety, distress and worthlessness – while I sometimes get angry, it is very quick to subside, unlike other issues, which I sometimes find myself fixated on and as much as I want to just stop and let it go, I cannot.
I can’t cope with emotional extremes and I very easily bounce between them, for example if I am anxious, then everything is so bad, the worst IS going to happen and the best thing is that I could just die, leave it all behind, stop those around me having to worry about it. Pain can help my brain cope, it can take away the focus for a while and make things feel better.
One of the big things with BPD is maintaining relationships, I used to get very quickly attached to people, until a VERY good friend pointed it out and helped me work on it – don’t get me wrong the feelings are still there, but I try to engage brain, which while it doesn’t make me perfect (far from it) does allow me to know what is going on and try and counteract it to some degree.
I used to have delusions and hallucinations, these, with medication and a long process of learning to control them myself are mainly under control – but can when I am under stress, come to the surface again.
As a person, I don’t really fully know who I am – my sense of self isn’t stable, more fluid – but I try and hold on to those around and the things I love, to keep my feet on the ground.
My most intense fear is rejection – I believe I know why and I am almost positive that is the route cause of my BPD, which in a large under of people is in fact caused by some sort of childhood trauma.
While it is unlikely that anyone with BPD will ever fully get better – medication, therapy and learning to live with the disorder can help give a more stable lifestyle – so please if you come across someone with BPD – don’t assume they a threat – treat them as you would any other people, we sometimes just can’t deal with the world around us.