I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder

Aunt A

I have depression, I have mental health issues – all that is easy for me to say, I’ve never had an issue with adding either two, I’ve tried to commit suicide multiple times and still to this day turn to self-harm as a coping method and I could talk about in the hopes of helping others all day long.

But then there’s the fact I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) sometimes known as emotional unstable personality disorder and while I would openly admit to any of the issues I have because of it, I find it had to say that I have BPD.

I fought for years to finally find out my own diagnosis and the moment I did I felt a moment of relief, I knew what I had to fight and I don’t ever regret finding out, but I find the stigma attached to saying you have BPD is huge – suddenly people think you might turn psycho on them.

Did you know that BPD is one of the most common personality disorders in the UK it can cause distressing and unusual behaviours patterns?

How it affects me.

One of the worst issues I face with it is the feelings of anxiety, distress and worthlessness – while I sometimes get angry, it is very quick to subside, unlike other issues, which I sometimes find myself fixated on and as much as I want to just stop and let it go, I cannot.

I can’t cope with emotional extremes and I very easily bounce between them, for example if I am anxious, then everything is so bad, the worst IS going to happen and the best thing is that I could just die, leave it all behind, stop those around me having to worry about it. Pain can help my brain cope, it can take away the focus for a while and make things feel better.

One of the big things with BPD is maintaining relationships, I used to get very quickly attached to people, until a VERY good friend pointed it out and helped me work on it – don’t get me wrong the feelings are still there, but I try to engage brain, which while it doesn’t make me perfect (far from it) does allow me to know what is going on and try and counteract it to some degree.

I used to have delusions and hallucinations, these, with medication and a long process of learning to control them myself are mainly under control – but can when I am under stress, come to the surface again.

As a person, I don’t really fully know who I am – my sense of self isn’t stable, more fluid – but I try and hold on to those around and the things I love, to keep my feet on the ground.

My most intense fear is rejection – I believe I know why and I am almost positive that is the route cause of my BPD, which in a large under of people is in fact caused by some sort of childhood trauma.

While it is unlikely that anyone with BPD will ever fully get better – medication, therapy and learning to live with the disorder can help give a more stable lifestyle – so please if you come across someone with BPD – don’t assume they a threat – treat them as you would any other people, we sometimes just can’t deal with the world around us.

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Blogging the anonymous thoughts of UK Bloggers.

9 comments / Add your comment below

  1. I know a little about BPD because I have a friend who has been diagnosed with BPD & other mental & physical health illnesses. I have seen all of how the illness effects you in him & been on the receiving end of some.

    You are right people with BPD will not go “psycho ” on anyone. With my friend when he was having a acute episode he locked himself away & spoke to no one not even his therapists.

    In one such episode he turned to drink & drugs so much so in the end his Pdoc had to come with police to knock the door down to get to him & take him to the hospital. He was very ill & no one knows how he came through it because he should of been dead.

    I was totally & utterly in love with him, I always will be. But he can’t be with me because he is too ill to cope with all the emotions & feelings a relationship brings with it.

    BPD is a illness just like any other illness be it physical or mental. No one should be judged as a person on their illness. Yes it’s a part of you, but it is not who you are.

    BPD does not define you.

    Hold your head up high

    xxx

  2. I completely understand why you want to remain anonymous but thank you for bringing the subject of BPD to light. I live with a sufferer and it’s really hard on a daily basis. I can’t talk about it with anyone for fear of her finding out. It’s such a complicated illness and I wish I could help her but it’s so difficult.

    1. It is very hard to watch BPD in someone you love. There is good support available for people who have BPD thankfully & rightly so, but there is nothing I could find for the people who love the person with BPD which is relatives/wife/husband/partners/friends.

      I think there is a huge gap here that counciling for these people would go a long way in helping us.

  3. I’m currently amidst a diagnosis for what myself and my Gp coin down to BPD and/ or Bipolar Disorder. It’s a very debilitating condition and relationships are the most difficult thing to deal with as a result, but I hope speaking out has given you a sense of exhilaration. I’ve never spoken to anyone about my condition within the blogging community and I want desperately to offer a hand to anyone else with mental health issues as soon as I am properly diagnosed. I’d love to chat to you if you want to get into touch because it would be great to get to know someone else in the same boat! Xxx

  4. I found this post difficult to read. Not because of the content – but because it sounded so much like me. I’ve never heard of BPD before, didn’t know of its existence, but the person you described is very much like myself.

    You’ve made me want to go back to my GP and discuss things further.

  5. wow…i could have written this…i too have BPD – and in truth never really understood it. like everyone knows how to class bi polar, or schizophrenia but this…i still dont know how to refer to it..
    i too have severe depression, self harm history and suicide – to top things off i also have M.E so yeah i know where youre coming from…
    wow that was hard for ME to write…i generally dont talk about it!
    be good to yoursel
    x

  6. Hi all. I know about BPD as I’ve got DDNOS and it’s in the same group of conditions said my psychotherapist.
    DDNOS is “disociative disorder not otherwise specified” which means I have DD with hints of other issues. Those being PTSD or or BPD traits.

    Even though you’re anon on here you can contact me (@juliesnb on twitter) if you’re having a wobble and need someone who gets it

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